What could I be doing? What should I be doing? Why is nothing working?
We all have an idea. A plan. A goal. It’s normal, natural and plans/goals are a good thing.
So, what’s our plan when our plans don’t go the way we want them? Where do we turn when we’re pushing a pull door?
This past semester, my life has been a constant haze. My health has been out of whack, my migraines are getting worse, and I’ve been sick more weeks than not out of the month.
My passion is absent. The things that excited me last semester are pissing me off now and my normal you-could-punch-me-in-the-face-attitude-and-I-wouldn’t-care attitude has flipped into me becoming passively aggressively rage filled.
Something isn’t working.
I knew January would signal the beginning of crunch time. Applying for internships, building my bank account back up after the hit it took in December, figuring out the next steps for myself academically, and all the other “normal” college things.
With all of those tasks on my to-do list, I also have expectations. Huge. Giant. Expectations.
And guess what? Despite the fact that I’ve made strides with every single one of my task and that I am doing literally everything possible, I still feel like I’ve done less than the least.
I’ve gotten maybe two phone calls back on jobs, and those aren’t even ones I’ve applied for, just recruiters who got my number online.
My bank account, actually, is not suffering at the moment so I’ll leave that.
Academics? Haven’t even remembered to walk 50 feet down the hallway to meet with my advisor about next semester’s classes because I can’t decide what path I want to take next.
I am working 2 paid jobs. One unpaid internship. I go to yoga at least three times a week. I see my friends almost every day and I make time to see my family once a week. I am applying for internships. I am keeping up with my meditation/personal time. I am making an effort to eat well and maintain a healthy state of mind.
I am exceeding expectations far beyond those that have been set, but the pressure myself and society have put on college-aged students has quite literally forced me to the ground.
For myself personally–the idea of what should be is far greater than what is. And I will drive myself absolutely NUTS to achieve more than is expected of me because I have yet to cross the threshold of loving myself unconditionally, even when I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved.
I should be working a well-paid internship this summer and probably a side job as well.
I should be excelling in the jobs I’m already working, even though I’m basically half-assing everything in an attempt to stay busy.
I should be partying every Thursday and Saturday ’till 3am and submitting myself to meaningless physical relationships because “that’s college.” On the flip side, I shouldn’t be just dating to date, I should be searching for my “prince charming” (because what is a woman if she doesn’t find her perfect husband in college to be eternally in love with? Gag.)
I should be eating well, keeping up with mental health and exercising but not being selfish on how much time I spend on myself.
There’s a thousand things I should be doing. There’s a million expectations and there’s always going to be something I could be doing better.
But where is the fun in staying up all night just to worry about unrealistic problems? How am I supposed to be living in the time that I have been given when all I can focus on is how that time is being wasted?
The emphasis in our society on results-based success is bullshit. Plain and simple.
Your worth, your worthiness of love from others and from yourself is NOT defined by how many jobs you work. How often you exercise. How often you eat fruits and veggies instead of that five-dollar medium one-topping pizza from the Papa John’s up the street (uh, a friend told me about that deal, I don’t know from personal experience or anything…) It is not defined by whether or not you’ve met the love of your life in college or if you just played the field.
You are not defined by anything you don’t want to be defined by, and regardless of any factor in your life EVER, you are ALWAYS deserving of self-love.
At the end of the day, it’s all about blind, absolute and radical faith that the universe has your hand and that things WILL work the way that they need to work. I’m going to get that tattooed on my forehead because I can’t even remember that sometimes.