It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply, in my opinion.
In my life, I rarely have “in-betweens.” My emotions are intense, palpable, and life altering at any given moment. They swing, more often than not, and often this leaves me feeling drained and emotionally challenged. It saps my creativity and breaks me down until the only thing left for me to do is wallow in self-pity while I stress eat and lay in bed.
Not quite. I said it is a blessing as well, correct?
Those moments when the tears spill over and run hot down my cheeks are the clearest moments to me. At these breaking points, the levee’s have quit functioning and I am facing my emotions head on without fear or speculation. I am challenging the loneliness and fighting back, one tear at a time.
As a learned tendency, I try to repress my emotions and hide from the ugly. Who in their right mind would want to willingly bear the pain of their own internal strife rather than block it with menial and colorless images? Probably a masochist, but that’s a label I’m willing to negotiate.
If we’re being honest, sometimes the hurt I’ve felt catches up to me quicker than I can suppress it one way or another. My constant companion of loneliness sinks its teeth into me and suddenly my thoughts become a spiral of anger and torment.
There is a flame in me that never existed before. I don’t know how it got there, or if it always has been laying dormant. That flame sparkles, regardless of the rain I pour all over myself. It burns bright, and now it envelopes me in its warm embrace.
It gives me the courage and the strength to remember that no one, absolutely no one, can drive me crazy… unless I give them the keys.
No one can make me feel inferior without my consent. No one can dictate the way that I feel or the way that I exist in life.
And this flame… it keeps me burning.